


Batfamily Headcannons (featuring Ice Cream)

by DefenderoftheDogma



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Ice Cream, headcannons
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-09-02 17:31:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16791499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefenderoftheDogma/pseuds/DefenderoftheDogma
Summary: Comics and TV shows can include a lot... but sometimes our favorite parts of our favorite characters have to come from fanfiction and headcannons. So what is everyone's favorite ice cream, anyway? Open to plot suggestions in the comments!





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I will take writing suggestions! If you have something you’d like me to write about, send in a request and I’ll try to have it done soon!**
> 
> **Disclaimer: I own what rocks dream about. (Although comic writers should really consider taking my suggestions… :)**

_Ice Cream _

Jason’s favorite ice cream is Mint. He will, however, not eat it around people most of the time since being resurrected, and will insist that his favorite is Blue Moon.

Tim is Tim. His favorite ice cream is Coffee Espresso, though if forced to choose something not related to his beloved coffee, he would choose Rocky Road.

I cannot tell you Dick’s favorite Ice cream, since it is an unrememberable conglomeration of unearthly flavors drowned in every topping imaginable, including (but not limited to) chocolate, strawberry, blueberry and banana syrup, sprinkles, crumbled candy bars, bacon bits and marshmallows.

Dick’s second favorite ice cream is Superman ice cream, and at least a third of the reason is Bruce’s face. Bruce always insists that Dick can good and well eat Batman ice cream (because if Batman was real, then they would totally have that somewhere) but the Batman ice cream tastes terrible and even Bruce doesn’t eat it.

Bruce’s favorite ice cream was found by accident. One night he was coming home from patrol late, and dead tired. He walked into the kitchen and didn’t bother turning on the light. He found an open container of ice cream lying open, and ate it mindlessly, finding it to be the best he’d ever tasted. When he turned on the lights and saw the label, it read Superman ice cream. It is a secret he’ll take to his grave.

Damian will get Batman ice cream when he can, even though he doesn’t like it - he feels like it’s his duty to his father as the man’s rightful heir and Robin. He won’t eat it when it’s just him and Dick though - then he gets his favorite ice cream: ice cream with as much chocolate packed in as physically possible. Chocolate ice cream, syrup, sprinkles - the works.

Cassandra’s favorite is vanilla. With rainbow sprinkles.  


Alfred almost never eats ice cream (and certainly not coffee - he’s British!), but he will sometimes just sit with one of the batkids when they’re feeling really down and Bruce is away Batmaning or Wayne Enterprising and just eat ice cream with them. He always brings them their favorite kind (mint for Jason!) and always has the exact same kind for himself. He says it’s called Belas Kasihan, but they can’t find that kind of ice cream _anywhere_ else! The never find the container he buys it in, and after he’s had it they never find one thrown away, so they wonder if he makes it, but it doesn’t look homemade… they should know better than to question it - it’s Alfred!


	2. Adoption

When Damian sees Bruce adopting another child (or looking like he might) the first thing he does is analyze. Who are they? What have they done to warrant his father's attention? Where are they from? Why do they wish to involve themselves in Father's crusade? Is there a chance of Damian being replaced? Why did father feel the need to bring in another soldier? Was Damian not enough? In order for any amount of positive feelings to be associated with the new arrival, Damian must first know everything.

Tim. When Tim hears of another child, he feels something. If he ever took the time to examine it, he might discover it to be resignation. He will do research. He will learn everything there is to know about the new arrival, their parents, their great-grandparents, 3rd cousins 5 times removed and all their friends and acquaintances. He won't feel threatened on a relational level: that would imply having something to lose. Being aware of how important his skills are to the cause he isn't worried about losing his 'job'. But he knows that this kid will mean less attention to himself. Which is fine. He doesn't deserve the attention anyway: it's just an occasional surprise gift as a result of some particularly good work.

Jason doesn't connect with the family often. But he good and well expects to be informed of any and all new replacements. Once he hears about them, he will test them. If they go out on the streets, Jason will trail them (disguised, of course) and launch attacks. Perhaps even paying people to attack for him. The kid will prove themselves. Or they will be hurt. If they do not pass the test, Jason will go to Bruce, and all the furies he can muster will rain on the man in every effort to get the kid released from a job they aren't ready for. No one else dies on the job. Not if he can help it. If the child does manage to pass, Jason will leave. Try, to an extent, to get his head in order. Discover how he feels. Probably something to do with 'angry'. Not that he'll try all that hard... Dick might even say that he isn't trying that _well_ , but he does try. For a while. He doesn't like to think about it too much. He might pop by Tim to see how the kid's doing. Not long or anything, but the kid thinks too much but doesn't think about himself at all, and someone's gotta do it. Another kid. Maybe Jason will like him. Maybe he'll try to kill her. Who knows.

Dick's first reaction to another kid is one of happiness. Another little sibling! Siblings are always things to celebrate. Dick chooses to feel this way. It's always an active decision to celebrate another child before anything else. Because that's the way it _should_ be. The most important thing is the new child. The next is checking up on the family. Jason will be confused and angry. Tim will be depressed. Damian will be insecure. Bruce will be defensive. Alfred will be inscrutable, but Dick knows from past experience that _Alfred_ will not be thrown out of balance, so he can afford to visit the other members of their patchwork family first. The first round will be done quickly, an inventory to make sure nothing gets explosive. Then, he will visit the new kid. Welcome. Evaluate. Dick will determine how to care for the child, how to protect others from the child, and most importantly, attempt to determine the effect the child will have on the family. And Dick will be happy. Pointedly, determinedly, purposefully: happy.

Alfred has seen many children pass through Stately Wayne Manor. He has seen many children, one way or another, leave it. He has seen the unbelievable, the predictable, the unstoppable, the malicious and the benign. He has never seen Master Bruce make a mistake in giving a child a home. He welcomes the children and conducts investigations of his own, both into their contacts, their abilities, and their favorite tea. He keeps an eye on his grandchildren and keeps two eyes on his Bruce, who stands off against the media, against the Justice League; against anyone who might result in the separation of him from his child, or anyone who might interfere with his chosen methods of upbringing. Alfred holds everyone together. He learns the most about the child. He understands the proper delegation of responsibilities in the matter of a new child.

He holds the family together in the initial discord so that Master Richard can sew the new child into the family and ensure continued relationships within the family. He learns how to strengthen the child so that they can be at their best to resist Master Jason. He leaves the extended investigation to Master Timothy so that he may have time to learn the intricacies of the child themselves. He allows Master Damian to provide the assault on the home front, to question the child on their motives, on their personality, to see if they can survive as a Wayne; if they are psychologically capable. And he regulates the matter so that Master Damian does not go too far. Alfred will observe the child to see if they are ready for Master Bruce to take them to the streets.

Bruce brings a child home. They need him. He needs them. He will protect them, challenge them, raise them to as high as they can be. They will become part of the family he has created. They will become hated and feared and accepted and loved. They will become bats.


	3. Water Battles

_Water Fights_

Alfred does not approve of nor participate in the Wayne tendency toward water battles on Wayne property (or, in truth, anywhere else) but two times a year he will tolerate them on the grounds that nothing is destroyed and all damage done to the manor is repaired by combatants. Fair weapons are water guns and balloons filled with water and water only. Modified weapons and balloons need to be approved by Alfred. No one has ever disobeyed this rule as the consequences would be, no doubt, dire.

Bruce and Damian have similar approaches. One water gun: as big as they can handle with the largest jet stream possible. Bruce does his best to avoid any attacks (although all his children have an unspoken pact to team up on him to some extent), and while Damian shares the same philosophy, he is more prone to reject the shadows and wage war on his opponents, relying on his size, agility, and knowledge of the manor to keep him from being hit.

Tim is a sniper. He’ll find a good place to settle down and proceed to make as many headshots as possible. If discovered (very rare) he will abandon his post to hide in another place where he will resume sniping. He does not enjoy being soaked, nor the unavoidable analogies to a drenched kitten that come after.

No one has ever seen Cassandra, save for fleeting glimpses. In all their raging battles, she has been hit twice.

Jason carries two guns, as realistic as he can get them. Hand guns, of course, with streams small enough to hurt and fast enough to be very difficult to dodge. He will also present Alfred with a seemingly endless line, twice a year, of ‘improved’ water guns that Alfred will always turn down for being: nuclear powered, having automatic fire, containing assault drones, or firing plasma bolts.

  
Dick uses six guns. At once. Juggling. One for every participant, he says. If Alfred would only join, he would prove he could use seven, he says. Little guns with quick bursts, it is difficult for Dick Grayson to sustain fire and avoid being hit. Fortunately, he enjoys getting drenched. _Some_ disreputable members of the household (Bruce Wayne) have gone so far as to accuse Dick of being a showoff!


End file.
